Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge was the first female Christian book I decided to stop reading. A Bible study was based off the book in a Pentecostal church I was attending, where we aimed to read two chapters a week then meet up and chat it through.
The aim of Captivating, according to Wikipedia, is to “reject the idea of an ideal woman and explore Biblical scripture from the view that God desires a woman to embrace her glory, rather than fear her femininity.” This blurb sounds kind enough, but by page 10, I was disgusted and angry. The femininity that the Eldridge’s seek to discuss is based on a limited and familiar theology I had heard countless times from the pulpit, youth groups and Bible studies. A theology where white, male-driven authority is key and women must embrace her brave duty of submission. This was just one of the key turning points where I realised a Godly woman, operating under this paradigm, isn’t achievable (or desired) by all:
One of my favourite games growing up was “kidnapped and rescued.” I know many little girls who played this—or wished they had. To be the beauty, abducted by the bad guys, fought for and rescued by a hero—some version of this had a place in all our dreams.”
This is page 24.
…but don’t you see that you want this? To be desired, to be pursued by one who loves you, to be someone’s priority? Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted, and pursued. We want to be romanced.
This is page 26.
We hadn’t even finished chapter 1 and I was confused and angry. Why did this woman think that frailty and abduction were a core component of every female’s heart? Why did she think men wanted to steal women and be domineering? Why can’t men be the beautiful damsel and I, a woman, the hero? These misogynistic gender roles disgust me. There is no room for a woman that exists without the often-claustrophobic walls that are surrounding them in a church. There is no room for a woman that does not thrive outside the “normal” feminine routine. Three is no room for a woman who is not attracted to men and no room for women that aren’t attracted at all. What about the woman that enjoys her life of singleness, relishing her time of self indulgence and not worrying about others’ opinions on her goodness and godliness. The woman whose focus is on herself and her God-given life of independent success.
I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that the other women in the Bible study were enjoying this. When I brought up the fact that I hated pink and traditional femininity such as “looking pretty” and being ladylike, the other girls silently nodded, but when I said I found it hard to read the book because of feminism they looked awkward, refusing to meet my gaze. According to many Christian women I had spoken to in the past, feminism was created by angry, bitter women and there was no real evidence to prove that roles were not assigned to genders. I’d had multiple conversations where I was firmly assured that feminism was wrong and there was no proof of it in the Bible. I felt like an outcast. It wasn’t the first time I’d had a different opinion than those in a Bible study or church, but it was the first time I felt silenced.
At this particular Bible study, we then watched a YouTube video of a woman preaching. It was inspiring to see her take a stage that I had long ago learned was only reserved for men. That was until she began to shame women for attacking men. She explained that men were in a new era of life because of the #metoo movement and this female aggression was ungodly for ambushing the men we should be looking up to. I felt physically sick, crossing my arms in anger. Most of the women in the room looked at me like I was an alien. I left that night feeling frustrated and miserable. I wanted to run over that stupid book with its stupid ideas. Then throw it in the ocean, take it out and burn it along with every other sickening Christian idea that simultaneously tells women to be pretty, quiet, feminine, nurturing, male-seeking and submissive. It infuriated me and I felt exhausted.
These ideas of women were not new or groundbreaking to me. I had heard them throughout my entire 22 years across multiple churches. At points, I embraced the idea of inward beauty and servitude to men. I was that girl constantly looking for a man at church, my eyes peeled for fresh Godly meat to whisk me away to a picket-fence-life of Pinterest weddings and babies. This is not a bad thing to want in and of itself, but if it comes with the loss of your freedom as a woman, the loss of a sense of equality then yes, I would argue it is bad. I am so thankful for all the strong, loud feminist women at the Anglican Church I called home for 7 years, however this is also the place I learnt about women and their role in that denomination. Women are not allowed to teach the Bible or lead a parish according to Paul’s instructions in 1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy, which the Anglican diocese often take quite literally:
“Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says…I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.”
Though the Anglican Church has split theology on this depending on the church (some are a lot more forward thinking than others, and it differs from state to state, country to country), it is still one that I found highly damaging and confusing.
Over the course of my Christian life, I have read dozens of female Christian books designed to inspire and lead women to God. ‘The Proverbs 31 Woman’, ‘How to be a Good Christian Wife’, and ‘Women of the Word’ may not be real book titles, but their overall message is all too familiar: How To Be The Best Godly Woman You Can Be. But if you don’t fit the mould, then you’ll have a problem.
I desperately tried to be this version of a Godly woman for a long time. It was ultimately the pressure to be this kind of woman that played a huge role in my criticism of the church and its expectations of women and men. I hear the word submission and want to scream. I see women engaged at 18 and am horrified. I can no longer read Christian books or digest Christian thinking because I can no longer see myself as someone who can ever fit that mould– nor will I try to.
18-year-old God-fearing, man-needing, church-attending Emily would be shocked to meet the empowered, loud and unashamed, feminist Emily of today. I think 18-year-old Emily would probably be quick to give me a lesson about the horrors of hell if she met me too. And you know what? I don’t think I’d listen. I love who I am, and all the complexities that come with it.
When I look back on being a Christian, it’s amazing to me how certain we thought we were about what God thought about . . . well, everything. “God wants women to . . .” How in the hell would we know what God thinks?
I know right! I am so certain in my uncertainty that it baffles me that I was ever so sure of what was Right and what was Wrong and Who God Is.
I recall going through similar emotions and thoughts 30 years ago! My family was full of strong women and men who were strong enough to back us. So I did not allow society to put me down as a woman. Most importantly, I realised Jesus was a real champion for women all those 2000 years ago. The more I think about it, the more amazed I am. So with that assurance, we march on, amidst all the trials we women have to face. Hopefully we are moving in the right direction.